I wrote this poem when my daughters had grown up and moved out of our family home and were living independently. I had always been there for them. I was a proud, doting mum. I had continued to push my goals to the side. I don’t regret a minute of my motherhood years. But the time had come when I had no more excuses. Even my girls were telling me to do more with my life than be a servant to everyone. It felt strange to throw out my old ‘motherhood’ lifestyle, that I was so comfortable and safe in, to replace it with a new unknown lifestyle as a single mature aged woman.
I was getting older, my youth was slipping away. I needed to smarten up and start working on achieving the goals that had sat dormant in my heart, but that now were stamping their feet to be let out. I didn’t know where to start or what to do first. I had never made plans that revolved around just me. I felt guilty and selfish. But I did realize that to achieve my writing goals, I needed to stop procrastinating by being ‘busy’ doing non-goal related tasks around the house, which I could always find plenty of them to do, and learn to focus my attention and time on goal-related tasks. That was easier said than done!
Then, one day, in 2014, I sat down at my tablet and spent three days straight typing my memoirs. It would be another six years before I gave my rough notes to an author to write them into a novel, which will be released later this year, 2022. It was during that six-year period that I wrote many poems, which I published on this website and my podcast last year and will self-publish into books this year. This poem is the last of three poems I have shared over the past few weeks. I wrote these poems when I first started thinking about sharing my poetry with the world. Beverley Joy
My confidence is shattered
I can’t trust myself
To make wise decisions
That will move me on in life.
I want to move forward
Solider on, as usual
But, I hesitate to change my ways
I wish my life could stay the same.
My desires don’t shine in neon lights
My voice doesn’t echo with thunderous might
I’m invisible, like a waiter, I’m here to serve
To assist when required and then, step aside.
Now, I can no longer say I don’t have the time
To pursue the gift that God chose as mine
But, fear weighs down the soles of my shoes
Self-doubt resists my need to move.
My mind is shouting,
“Stop and listen to yourself
Can’t you see the opportunity?
You’re at a crossroad in your life
You can’t stand still, you must decide.”
“It’s time to walk a creative path
Explore your talents; record your memoirs
Gather the skills your journey will need
Travel with your friend – curiosity.”
“Now get on with it
Stop wasting time
Before it’s too late
And you’re dead with regret.”
Ok, I’ll pack my bag
There’s no turning back
I’ll change my life path
I’ll follow my heart.
I’ll let go of others
To look after themselves
Trust them to be guided
By someone other than myself.
I’ll let others give to me
A helping hand in my time of need
I’ll feel their love and kindness
Which I will gratefully accept.
This new dimension to my life
Is unusual and uncomfortable
A creative step, so necessary
To allow me to explore my creativity.
Beverley Joy © 2014 Simply Story Poetry
You might also like to read or listen to My Poetry Story
You can listen to all my poems on several podcast platforms here